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07/25/03 - 1:56 a.m.

It�s wonderful, being with someone who adores you as much as you adore them.

Chess is incredibly kind and gentle. His face has a million different smiles just for me.

I am guilty of throwing myself into relationship after relationship, infatuation after infatuation. Never a moment alone, never not coveting the company of someone else.

Helplessly romantic, always enamored by just being enamored. An ex once accused me of not loving him, just loving the idea of him. I did love him. And I loved the idea of him. Most likely it was that idea that kept me inside a relationship that made me hate myself. Kept me stuffed inside the shell of a little girl. Constantly forced to be dramatic, conniving, always playing games, causing problems, hurting people just to prove that I could. Just to drive them to prove their love to me. Setting new examinations for them to pass.

Only with Chess could I really be the person that I always wanted to be. I don�t test him. I don�t need to. I don�t want to. He wraps me in everything I need.

In my own impractical fantasies, with my hopeful heart 100% supportive, I have always imagined the soul mate I would find. The person I would find to love and to love me. The click at first sight, the over powering emotion and feeling of belonging that was supposed to accompany the moment our eyes locked across a crowded room.

I was such a dreamer. Such a little girl trapped inside a woman�s body.

But now, after all the lost love, after all the mending and attempts at replacing one relationship with another, I have found something more marvelous than the connection between soul mates. I found Chess. And the life we have built together, the love we have created is unique.

I�ve had the whirlwind of supposed perfection. It didn�t last.

What I have now. It is the foundation of forever.

Even if, even if, it ends. Even if we fuck it up. And we might, it�s not love that ends or fades, it�s people that abuse it and fuck it up. Or claim it too early, take it for granted, use it for the wrong reasons. Lie for it. Lie about it.

I know that when I say forever to Chess, it might only mean until tomorrow. I know that when we tentatively plan a future, a wedding, a marriage, a life, it may all be in vain. It�s okay. These promises were made with the best of our emotions, knowledge. And it may not come true, all of our dreams. Even so, I know that I will survive.

It�s so important to love and be loved, even if it is only for a moment. I used to shun the expression �better to have loved and lost then never to have loved� but it is true. It is better.

I hope I never lose Chess.

But if I do, I will be forever grateful to him for teaching me love without boundaries, without expectations, without conditions.

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As I was writing out this entry, I heard Chess say �Oh My God� from his section of the house. One of his big exes had emailed him; he had mistaken her for one of his current friends of the same name. We were speaking about this woman recently. And suddenly, she appears.

Return of the Exes, Part II.

I hope he isn�t swimming in the nostalgia she might provoke; it can be detrimental to any kind of concentration.

These people have no right to any kind of power over us. Their fancy words, their specific bullshit used to hurt. Unfair.

He looked at me and said, �What the fuck is going on? Are we being stalked?�

I just answered �No baby, it's just people trying to get in the way of our happiness.�

He said confidently �that will never happen.�

It won't.

Past Five:
[110703] [08/06/03] [07/25/03] [07/21/03] [07/12/03]

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