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110703 - 2:28 a.m.

No not dead, or in hiding. Just not here.

There's really only one word that can explain how I have been feeling lately: weird. Maybe empty would also be fitting. Just empty.

My thesis is draining, enthusiasm waning, irritation waxing. Stress has decided to live in my shoulders and neck. And I seem to be treating Will with less and less affection as time goes by. Tired of using pseudonyms, Will is a good enough name for now.

Today out of nowhere I asked him why everything was bullshit. And when he asked me to be more specific, I just couldn’t really. All I could do is reiterate that everything is bullshit.

It seems to be a redundant theme in all avenues of my life at the moment.

Maybe it is Senior Panic.

Maybe I am just unexpectedly and unfavorably changing without my own permission.

I hate being so young and feeling so old.

But at the same time the activities that are dedicated to the young are completely unappealing.

I just want to feel 24.

I was at a Halloween party recently, completely dressed up in a revealing outfit that drew the eyes of every penis in the room. I loved the attention, soaked it up like a sponge.

This is a definite change from not desiring any attention from anyone other than Will for 3.5 years now. I hope I am not drifting away from what is good for me and towards confusion. But it is nearly 2 AM and my thoughts are jumbled.

Past Five:
[110703] [08/06/03] [07/25/03] [07/21/03] [07/12/03]