110703 - 2:28 a.m.
No not dead, or in hiding. Just not here. There's really only one word that can explain how I have been feeling lately: weird. Maybe empty would also be fitting. Just empty. My thesis is draining, enthusiasm waning, irritation waxing. Stress has decided to live in my shoulders and neck. And I seem to be treating Will with less and less affection as time goes by. Tired of using pseudonyms, Will is a good enough name for now. Today out of nowhere I asked him why everything was bullshit. And when he asked me to be more specific, I just couldn�t really. All I could do is reiterate that everything is bullshit. It seems to be a redundant theme in all avenues of my life at the moment. Maybe it is Senior Panic. Maybe I am just unexpectedly and unfavorably changing without my own permission. I hate being so young and feeling so old. But at the same time the activities that are dedicated to the young are completely unappealing. I just want to feel 24. I was at a Halloween party recently, completely dressed up in a revealing outfit that drew the eyes of every penis in the room. I loved the attention, soaked it up like a sponge. This is a definite change from not desiring any attention from anyone other than Will for 3.5 years now. I hope I am not drifting away from what is good for me and towards confusion. But it is nearly 2 AM and my thoughts are jumbled.
Past Five: [110703] [08/06/03] [07/25/03] [07/21/03] [07/12/03] |