110703 - 2:28 a.m.
No not dead, or in hiding. Just not here.
There's really only one word that can explain how I have been feeling lately: weird. Maybe empty would also be fitting. Just empty.
My thesis is draining, enthusiasm waning, irritation waxing. Stress has decided to live in my shoulders and neck. And I seem to be treating Will with less and less affection as time goes by. Tired of using pseudonyms, Will is a good enough name for now.
Today out of nowhere I asked him why everything was bullshit. And when he asked me to be more specific, I just couldn’t really. All I could do is reiterate that everything is bullshit.
It seems to be a redundant theme in all avenues of my life at the moment.
Maybe it is Senior Panic.
Maybe I am just unexpectedly and unfavorably changing without my own permission.
I hate being so young and feeling so old.
But at the same time the activities that are dedicated to the young are completely unappealing.
I just want to feel 24.
I was at a Halloween party recently, completely dressed up in a revealing outfit that drew the eyes of every penis in the room. I loved the attention, soaked it up like a sponge.
This is a definite change from not desiring any attention from anyone other than Will for 3.5 years now. I hope I am not drifting away from what is good for me and towards confusion. But it is nearly 2 AM and my thoughts are jumbled.
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