12/25/02 - 2:34 a.m.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Including me, relatives on the horizon. Ominous clouds overhead. Chess is not looking forward to the holiday. How can I blame him? There are little cartoon clouds of frustration hovering just over his head as he pouts and considers the mess holiday travel can be.

Negativity displeases me. Bad moods are only to make everyone in your aura suffer similarly. I hate being dragged down into someone else�s misery. Contrary to the insistent sulking spread about the pages of this journal, I am a fairly positive person. Misery only leaks out within these sheets. I have little tolerance for snarky attitudes.

Often I have to force myself to think �I will not let his/her bad mood pull me down� over and over like some sort of motivational mantra. Seems a little pathetic on virtual paper, and usually doesn�t seem to help much.

When I am feeling dejected or irritated I often find myself locked down. Keep to myself, don�t share my feelings. Counterproductive I know. Seems like I have survived this long without having a supreme confidant. Don�t need one now.

Really where would confession get me? Suppose I told Chess I felt the need to take a slice. First reaction: pity, then some fear, which leads to coddling. I don't need coddling. That makes me feel no better about myself and my solution to my inner anxiety that never, never fails.

Even here in my quiet journal, I can�t find the courage to reveal certain details or past incidences. My fingertips hurt when I gloss over the words I want to use, but have trouble picking out. I am not sure if I will ever get any of the past out of me. But I feel that I need to try. Pull it piece by piece. Until I am inside out.