06/01/03 - 1:26 a.m.

I forgot that I had shelled out the money to make this journal gold. I suppose I should at least use it on occasion. It�s not as though I shit dollar bills.

My younger brother will soon be relocating to the apartment downstairs. After a lot of debate and thought, he finally decided to move. At first, DOD seemed nonchalant about it. We were relieved. Relieved too soon.

Within a of couple days DOD was pulling the multiple phone calls routine and driving me absolutely psychotic with his endless rhetoric and �you understand me?�

No DOD, I am completely unable to comprehend why you feel the need to question me about Brother�s decisions. Do you really think that I am going to give away extra information that Brother doesn't want you to know? Do you really not know that Brother and I formed a hardcore alliance years ago and no one has been able to break it since?

Naivet� can be the only explanation for why DOD would think I would betray my brother and leak info that my brother does not want leaked.

This whole incident has been very sensitive. I did not know when exactly Brother would speak to DOD about the possibility of a move so when DOD called me, mentioning Brother and his lack of employment, I just danced around the issue until I could extract what DOD already knew. Then I just reiterated. It�s amazing how easily lying and telling half-truths can be when it comes to communication with DOD. Even with Crazy Mum for that matter.

But I am anxious for Brother to relocate. He and his wife will be an added element of entertainment in my very small, very repetitive world. My only concern is that time with Chess will be diminished because of the extra company we would be keeping.

Still I think the distraction will be good for me. Lately the depression has been seeping into the recesses of my thoughts and I find it hard to pull myself out of it. I am constantly scrambling out only to fall back in again. Disappointment in myself rages so strong and sometimes without reason.

Maybe it is just the exhaustion with school work and the anxiety over graduation and finally moving on in my life. Even higher learning seems to be right on horizon but first I have to get over the plains of writing a thesis and then the mountain of graduation.

I really can�t explain the low energy or emotional irritability of late. Only that sometimes I feel like I am suffocating. Being off of work has been helping a bit.

Chess always talks about how positive and happy I seem to be all of the time. I wonder if I am just continuing to be false and carry around some happy fa�ade constantly. But I think I just am genuinely happy in Chess� company most of the time. His attention and love is healing.

I am completely disenchanted with writing lately. Any kind of creativity has been sapped out by the evils of academia. Hopefully I can recuperate here and revive the journal.