06/05/00 - 07:47 PM

The return of Jackass�..

My AIM lists are completely fucked up. They don't save or load automatically. So sometimes I will make a change, like blocking someone, and forget to save it�.

Then I will suddenly get a message from that person�

He msgs me. I stare at the AIM for a couple minutes, think about answering it, think about blocking him immediately, think about having an episode of Turret's Syndrome and spouting off random obscenities including PIG FUCKER just for dramatic effect. Finally, I just said hello.

The conversation went well. There was visible tension, but overall no pain inflicted. He tried to steer the conversation in dangerous areas and I steered it away. I don't want to hear his excuses or romantic confessions. I can see right through them. I refuse to be another woman for him to add to his admirer collection.

He mentioned something about not wanting to know if I got a new boyfriend or had gotten laid. I ignored it. Didn't return the sentiment. I don't care if he gets laid, and I care very little if he meets someone else. I know that over time he will sabotage their relationship as he did our own. My prediction is that he will be a very lonely person for a very long time.

I had a date today. I cancelled it.

Why? Well lots of reasons. He is 19, he still lives his overly protective parents, I don't want or need to deal with things like that. He told me he loved me after we had had maybe three conversations. Fear. Fear of the L word. Especially so soon. Run, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction Iniquity.

Also. I need time to myself. Without the burden of anything heavy. Casual dating, maybe. But spouting the L word at the end of a conversation is not casual in any way. I am learning about myself now; a relationship could hinder that process. Especially since I tend to throw myself into them very readily, very blindly. A hard lesson to learn I suppose. Being cautious is key. I tuck that key inside of me.

I do not want to be the type of woman who feels incomplete without a man by her side. I do not want my happiness to depend on someone else. I need to depend on myself more and forget love for a bit. I am strong. I need to find my strength and not let it be ripped away me again. This is a time for repair. A time to heal the still bleeding wounds that exist inside of me.

Of course. I do have interests. Interests are potentially dangerous. But when a man walks into my life that talks without trying to be macho, who listens without having an ulterior motive, how can I sit and turn my piqued emotions away from him? I am still human. I still breathe, I still feel. I have always been the obedient child of my feelings.

In two months I turn 21. In two months I hope to have a better knowledge of myself and my dreams. But I am not constricting myself to this time, just putting that much of a waiting period up before I throw myself back into the game again.

I really hate the game.

My cuts are healing.