06/08/00 - 05:39 AM

Jackass and I talk during early morning sometimes�

My mind mocks him; laughs at his idiocy, his horrible lines, his dramatic flair that he can not let go of�

He always talks to me first, then says he is unsure. Maybe he shouldn�t talk to me anymore� Because he can�t stand being in love with me and knowing how much he fucked things up.

Ha! Hahahaha! You make me laugh, Jackass. Such good lines, such melodrama! Such semi-truth! Yes, you fucked things up royally. But no, you are not in love with me. It�s nice to know that you THINK you are though. How very inconvenient, to realize you are in love with me when I will no longer tolerate your games? Tsk, tsk, too little too late. Story of your life isn�t it?

My eyes are being opened. I can see what a good woman I am. I can see that a man would be lucky to have someone with a heart as big as mine, with a love as devoted as mine, with sex as great as my sex is.

I just had to throw that last one in there :D

So Iniquity is (very cautiously) taken with someone. I will call him Ghost. I am pretty sure he will get the reference :D Poor Ghost, I keep him up all night practically. But I lose track of the time when we talk and his laugh is so sweet, I smile at the sound of it.

He is sweet and honest. I am bitter and jaded. My mind screams at me for not being cautious ENOUGH, even though I feel like I am already trying to hold my emotions at bay and keep him at arm's length. Perhaps my head feels that arm�s length is just not far enough. He can still hit me from that far away.

Undeniable, but justified, fear of anything concerning my wayward heart. I try to listen to both, but my mind screams louder and has some foundation for mocking my heart�s past mistakes. Regardless, there is an inner calm in me, a peaceful blanket has settled over my abhorrence of males in general, blocking it out.

I have to force myself not to think about you. I can not entertain the thought of you for too long because my heart gets too hopeful and I become afraid. I want to close myself off and hide in my shell because I know that you can�t get to me that way. Silly isn�t it? But when I have trusted before, I was let down and hurt. And I became weak, and here I am trying to regain my strength, I do not want it to be yanked from me again.

Where do you see us heading? Where do you want us to head? Long term? Short term? Nothing? Friends?

You talk, I�ll listen.