06/01/00 - 04:38 AM

This is my heart.

In my heart right now�.

An ex. And how I miss him. I miss his face.

I have been trying to recreate a love that has been dead for almost a year now.

I ponder over so many things. I think so much, I turn issues over and over in my mind, analyzing them from every angle instead of just letting them be. I think about what would happen if I called him and told him how I feel. How he would shoot my hopes out of the sky with words of rejection.

I can barely entertain the thought that he might want to be with me again too.

Maybe I just want that relationship back. But I can not go back. I can not erase the 9 months of life that I have lived since we parted. I can not take back the 4 lovers that have been inside me since the last time my body was joined with his. I can not delete the words of love I whispered to two others since I last told him I loved him, even though those words may have been untrue. I believed them at the time.

I feel as though I have two lives to forget. The one I lived with Jackass, and the one I lived with my love. Despite the fact that Jackass is a jackass, I can not easily drop the pieces of my heart that have his name etched on them. No matter how badly I wish I could.

So many questions in my thoughts. Does he think of me? Does he miss me? If I asked him to see me again, would he agree? How would it go?

I have changed and matured since we broke up. I want to see how the changed Iniquity would handle the love between us. The fights that we had. Would they still exist? The issues that we had�would they still plague us? So many questions.

I know that eventually I will work up the nerve to say something to him. Because asking and being rejected is better than never knowing.

I miss him so much.