12/19/02 - 12:36 a.m.

Christmas is coming and so the annual family gathering is near. Worried a little. What will Crazy Mum say this year? Will Dear Old Dad give his same tired lecture? Will Bratty Cousins say nasty things about Crazy Mum again? It's a whirlwind of speculation and excitement.

Brother says that if Brat Cousins make any unkind remarks in regards to Crazy Mum, he will find himself in the middle of family controversy. The curses will indeed fly. We've already been branded with the Black Sheep stamp, might as well take it all the way. Being a half-breed amongst a horde of white redneck relatives makes for uncomfortable situations for aforementioned rednecks.

Last summer I noticed just how Redneck Relatives interacted with Bratty (but not half-breeds!) Cousins. I recalled my own childhood and remembered no such special treatment from Redneck Relatives. Meanwhile Redneck Relatives were using racial slurs like napkins. Oh but they are old and he fought in Vietnam, that makes way for excusing racism of course. War and age always win out.

Chess will be with me. Love spending moments with him, hate to have to share him with anyone, but miss my family. Feel guilty about not being in a quick rescue vicinity. Not possible to drive and see Crazy Mum if she is admitted to the hospital again. Always worried she will die before I see her again.

Once you entertain the thoughts of guilt they begin to come at you in waves of a rising tide. Can't stop feeling like a bad daughter. Must be the Asian influences in my cells that have passed down that feeling. Can't fight genetics.

It feels good to be able to talk about my family in a space where I know they won't set their eyes open. It's my naughty secret that I hide under the covers when they have gone to bed. My cigarettes behind the house, condoms in the pillowcases, my Playboys under the bed.

And right now I really need it.