06/11/00 - 07:03 AM

I dreamed last night.

It disturbed me.

I dreamed and you were there. You took my hand, we walked through the rain and you pulled me close. You said:

"Are you glad you have such a nice boyfriend that will call you a cab when it's raining?"

And I surged with joy. Joy at you being mine again. At my hands in yours, your face inches from mine. Joy as you leaned down and you kissed me, I felt your lips press against mine and it was your kiss exactly. I remembered it perfectly, the texture of your lips, the wet, shyness of your tongue�.

It was so real.

And I was so happy.

And then I woke up.

I woke up.

I woke up and I was devastated. I hated myself, I hated my mind for dreaming about you, for making you mine for a night then snatching you away again. And I felt overcome with the pain of remembering how you felt when you kissed me.

And now I laugh at myself. Laugh because I dared to think that I could get over you completely. Laugh because I didn't know that no matter how hard I tried to forget you, my dreams would still remind me.

It was just a dream. And it means little. I know that we will never be again, I know it in my heart as well as my mind. But I still dreamed of you, and today, have thought of little else but you. You and your crooked smile. You still make me laugh.

Today we sang together. Why God Why. I looked at you and you reminded me of a moment in our past together. I was saddened by the memory. A time that's past. Two people long dead who were once in love. Could never happen again. But we can still remember.

I can still remember. I still care, I still think, I still dream, I still love�.

But I always will. And I am learning to accept it instead of trying to change it. Loving you doesn't interfere with loving others. Loving you makes me part of who I am. I am the girl who loves you. It won't change.

I can't make it.