06/14/00 - 05:42 AM

I remember some things now�

I remember that I was very unhappy towards the end of us, and you, you had just given up. Tried of trying to make me happy when it was so incredibly impossible. It wasn't working for us; we were both tried of bickering and shouting. Tired of missing each other so much.

I know it was best for us to be over. But it doesn't change the way I miss you or the way I still love you. Sad, pathetic me, mourning over the death of us, the death of you as the man who loved me, the death of me as the woman who made you smile. How long will it take me to really move on? Will I suffer this way for a year more? 5 years? A decade? Will I ever forget? Will I ever stop comparing my newest loves to you?

You do still care. I see your jealousy flair with my flirty suitors. I see you read my other diary daily. My heart says you still care. Should I trust the conniving thing?

I want to tell you so badly. I want to sit down across from you and look at you. Let you see me again, let you realize how much you really do miss me. Let you access my soul through my eyes. See the love written there. But I won't. I can't. I need to be proud. I need to not suffer the bitter taste of rejection for awhile. I need to sort out the abscess of broken dreams that infects me.

I need to live a few days or months or maybe even years without my heart getting broken. I need to learn to trust the walls I build around myself to keep out the harmful. I need to grow, relearn my own self-confidence, and be worthy.

And then maybe I can approach you. Tell you all my love, my dreams, confide in you again. Or maybe I won't need to because I have already put it aside. Either way I need this time alone. To pick up my pieces and fit them back together, to sew the shreds of my broken core back together with stronger string this time. I live, I learn. I hurt and I fall, but I get back up. And I do it again. Because one day, it won't hurt and one day I'll be right.

And I hope that day will be with you. With my fingers laced through yours as I look up at you, a whole foot shorter, and you smile down at me. And you tell me you love me. All I will do is close my eyes and savor the sound of voice saying my name.