06/16/00 - 05:53 PM

Moving away from my entries about my long lost love.

Woe is me, I lost my love.

If someone had come to me and said those words, my immediate response would have been "Join the mother fucking club buddy."

I find that expressions are much more effective if you can slip an obscenity in here and there.

Hmm. I am experiencing a serious lack of inspiration now that I have dared to venture from my usual depressive babble. My darling kitty is looking at me with forlorn eyes. I know what she wants. She wants to jump into my lap so that she can add to the decorative scratches that already cover my legs. Such a darling kitty. So loving.

Outside the thunder is shouting at everyone. The kitten is scared. I adore rain, thunderstorms. It's so calming to sit and watch the rain trickle down my window.

Today I must begin to clean this filthy apartment. Visitors coming soon. Must keep up the appearances. Not let anyone know what a complete slob I am. "To be successful one must always project an image of success."

I feel uncomfortable letting people be close to me. The more they try to wedge themselves into my life, the more I want to run away. Shield myself from their probing questions and advice. I need my space, they suffocate me with their concern. I can't breathe when you are piling concern upon concern upon me. I thrive best on my own. I am finding this brutal survival strength buried inside of me. The more I tend to lean on others, the deeper that strength buries itself. I do not want to find my strength in the comfort of others, I want to depend on myself alone.

I am withdrawn lately because I need to sort myself out. Yes, bouncing ideas off of other people helps, but I need to get those ideas out of me first. Without forming new ones. The power of suggestion is a dangerous thing. I rip myself apart daily over my current issues, I do not want to add to my stack of worries.

This is disturbing I am sure. You fight to draw me out of my shell because you find me so intriguing. I am fighting to stay in. We can not build a strong friendship on this struggle. At this point, I do not want you any closer. The distance around me gives me comfort.

I need room to breathe.