06/17/00 - 05:52 AM

Scud seems to be suffering from the same ailment that curses me. The Ex-Syndrome.

(Yes, I am resorting back to my romantic bawling for this entry, excuse me while I whine)

My ex and I�the one that I am currently pining over, parted ways almost a year ago. We were together for two years before that. Since him, I have dated two men, slept with 5, and been engaged once.

Yes, it has been a hectic year to say the least.

And now I am back where I started at this time a year ago. Why? I guess because my issues were never truly resolved the first time around.

I only gave myself a week to cry. One week and then I was to get over it and put it behind me. One week to acknowledge the physical ache that existed in me. Heartache hurts physically as much as it does mentally. Only one week to grieve over my two year relationship. I should have known that such a time limit was ludicrous.

I submerged myself in other interests, enough to make me revolve around them instead of my ex. I separated myself from the home and the city that would stare back at me through his eyes, garnished with memories of us on every corner. I picked out a new personality and in doing so, lost the pieces of me that I was proud of. I let myself be weak and pathetic by thinking that grieving would make me weak and pathetic. I didn�t realize that grieving only made me human.

I worked and worked to replace him and his memories. First with a friend, then with Jackass. And for brief episodes in time I could forget who I was really, even though his presence constantly existed in the very back of my mind. I put him aside, put my feelings away, convinced myself I was over it, convinced myself that I didn�t love him anymore. I was so ridiculous.

But I had lapses. Something, a smell, a picture, a movie, usually something small, would hit me suddenly with all the force of my ignored emotions. And I would be reduced to small, sniveling, crying child, curled up in my bed, remembering him and me. And just hurting.

Most of the time I just tried to forget. It was easier than I thought it would be.

But now it is all catching up to me. Watching my friend and her boyfriend fight. Seeing myself in her and my ex in her boyfriend. Everyday I watch them I am reminded of us. It hurts. I have cried over him again and again. Missed him fully.

There is hope. He still gets jealous. And I know he misses me. But I am still not ready to belong to him again. Or even to try to belong to him again. I have to build up my strength. Because when he turns me down, it�s that strength in me that will catch me as I fall. That and nothing else.

I am still very proud of the woman I am. Even of the woman I lost because I know that I can get back the pieces of her that are admirable and throw away the bits that are abominable.

It just takes time to separate the two.