06/25/00 - 07:44 AM

Loving eyes. Bitter laughter.

How true.

Ghost.

He is here. Keeping me company, taking me out, talking to me. He wants to be everything I need and want. He wants to be the rest of me. He wants to tell me that he would stand by my side forever.

But I don�t want to hear it. I am so withdrawn. I am so alone, but in my loneliness I have found inner peace and have become content.

It hurts me to say no to him. To tell him that I do not, can not, and will not feel that way for him. I feel guilt because in the beginning I was very intrigued and interested. But I woke up and saw myself making the same mistakes I had already repeated and I become terrified.

I don�t feel a desperate need to be attached to someone. To belong to someone else. I feel a desperate fear of it. I sink deeper and deeper into myself every day and I am learning to rely on myself alone. I suppose that slowly I have been cutting off my dependencies that I have to make sure I can live without them. My friends, my family, my lovers. Everything. I do not like being left weak. Attachments make me weak, they give me weaknesses. These are things I can�t afford.

I have always felt that I had a purpose in life. That there was some divine plan for me. I have had this monstrosity of a life. A sad, bitter life. A life that has made me appreciate freedom, emotion, and just being alive. A life that has made me cold and reluctant to trust other people. But I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I was made this way for a purpose. The things in my past that I had to endure where obstacles that would teach me a skill, build my character, add to my strength, help me fight better. Help me prepare for the next, bigger battle. There must be something that I was fated to do that will call upon my past to guide me through it. I certainly hope I am strong enough.

My episodes with Jackass just proved that I had become too cocky. Believed too quickly that nothing could make me weak, but I was wrong. I was unprepared for such heartache. I was left with all of my strength robbed from me, my armor stolen, my wounds bleeding. My opponent laughing.

In the process of life I have learned that there is only one person that is true to me: Myself. A hard lesson to learn. Something that had to be emotionally beat out of me. But valuable. I push others away to horde my own energy, to keep them from snatching pieces of it away from me.

Sometimes I hurt people in the process. This hurts me also.

But it saves me the price of future heartache. The pain of loss, the danger of being feeble.

And I am rebuilding between battles, preparing for the next one. Afraid it will come before I am ready.

But most importantly, I avoid the paths that are already painted with the blood of my defeat.