06/29/00 - 02:21 AM

My ghost has left, leaving me here alone again.

Alone. A condition I have actively sought for a bit now. A healing process much needed. An experience that makes me content to be alive, even if I am alone. There are much worse things in life than loneliness.

He looked at me with my hand nestled in his and told me he is in love with me. It breaks my heart to hear it. I am too scared to think about what I could do to him, how I could hurt him, or what he could do to me, how he could hurt me. Fear is my biggest motivator these days. It holds me back and keeps me restrained. This is the type of restriction I need.

I wonder how I can turn this man down. He is everything I could ever want or need in my life. But still, I do not dare to venture to feel for him. Other than friendship. I can not feel more than that right now. I am too selfishly self-absorbed at this point in my life. Not that this is a bad thing, it is an educational thing.

Perhaps it�s just that I need to know what it�s like not to want or need anyone! To just be entirely liberated. There is no one that I have to check in with, there is no guilt I have to feel, there is no agony over his prolonged absence, or jealousy, no fighting, no angry words shared in the heat of the moment. This is a much easier path to take. I do not have the energy to mold a relationship, to carry the weight of obligation on my back. If I become involved with someone, I want my courses of action to be things I enjoy, not burdens. I am young, I have to keep that in mind.

I enjoyed his company when he was here. I still enjoy talking to him, sharing my moments in life with his wisdom and experience. And when he calls me and tells me he misses me, I don�t return the sentiment.

But I do.

Miss him that is.

He is my friend after all.