06/30/00 - 09:57 PM

In the most recent months of my life I have lingered in promiscuity. With men I don�t love and usually have little or no feelings for. I use them and their bodies for my own personal release. For personal satisfaction, to feel beautiful and sexy and wonderful all in the same breath. To be a complete woman.

I am not confused in my dealingswith sex. I am not under the mistaken impression that these men love me. I am very aware of the fact that they are using me just to get off. No one seems to understand that I know what I am doing when it comes to my casual sex episodes. My father lectures me, telling me how sad and pathetic I am for listening to a male�s sweet talk and spreading my legs as a direct result. I laugh in his face. Sweet talk does nothing for me. In fact saying I love you in the heat of the moment could cause instant dryness, depending on who the man is.

I recently found out that I am slightly sadistic. A friend was crying on my shoulder, upset because of something I had done to him and I become very, very aroused. Why? I think the whole power factor turns me on in ways I can not describe. I had the power to make this man cry. Not that I wanted to hurt him in any way at all. But knowing that I could was very stimulating.

Learn something new everyday.

What a strange woman I am. Pleasure from other people�s pain. And not just his because it hurt me to hurt him. So maybe my sadism is also closely related with some masochism. Emotional pain being the only attribute I find sensual. Physical pain has the exact opposite effect on me.

Interesting.