08/17/00 - 06:43 PM

Jesus Mofo Christ.

Believe me I was shocked to death when I stumbled across HIS entries in my guestbook. Nearly had a heart attack.

I am not sure how he got here or why he cares about anything I have written here, another than it seems unfair. Yes, this is my side. It favors me. But I never declared that it was anything other than that. And I never hid the truth about us, about anything that happened between us from this diary.

Yes, I cheated on you. About a year and a half BEFORE you broke up with me. Why didn't you leave me sooner if that was the real problem? Why didn't you confess that, although you had sworn that you could forgive me, you really hadn't? Why, when I asked you a thousand times if you were sure we could make it after that, did you say YES?

I have already paid for what I did. You can not just keep bringing it back up and flinging it in my face to make me feel guilty. Because I don't, I do NOT feel guilty.

Not anymore.

It's over, it's completely in the past and the person I was then, is no where near the woman I am now. To try and close petty ties around the two personas is just juvenile and ignorant. You could have left me thousands of times before, you could have cut me off in the beginning screaming "You cheated on me, I don't want you anymore." I could have accepted that. I even begged you to just let us go, I cried to you that same night that I told you, asking you to punish me in the only way I could see fit: pull yourself from me.

But you DIDN'T.

That is your own fault, the result of your own decision. You said you forgave me, and I always had my doubts. But you kept up such a nice fa�ade, darling. Always swearing that it didn't bother you anymore. When in fact, now, almost three years later, it still bothers you.

Our problems stemmed from your unwillingness to convey how you REALLY felt. And even when I tried to pry anything out of you, you pushed me farther away from you. Over and over again.

The point is, that is not why we broke up.

We broke up because you are an idiot, selfish and cowardly. You emailed me to tell me it was over. Could you be any more of a coward?!? You didn't want to "deal" with it. You don't want to have to face things. Then you come around and try to lecture me about the same fucking shit.

HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK THAT YOU HAVE ANY SORT OF RIGHTS AROUND HERE?

And, in efforts to lower myself to your general level of maturity, I hope your loneliness rots the core of whatever I mistook to be your heart. Because it is obvious that you lack one.

As for "your side" I'm sure any readers I have would be more than happy to hear it. As convoluted and delusional as it may be. I have been honest here, I have confessed openly and honestly. I pointed the blame at myself so much. I acknowledged every wrong I enforced on you. And I never tried to silence your voice or your opinion or the telling of "your side."

But in all honesty, I don't want to hear your side. Because in my mind, you don't get a "side." You gave up that claim when you left me and didn't speak to me for eight months. You have no side. Your side is crap. And now, it's too little and too late to have a fucking side.

And if you really feel the need to justify any of your antics then I suggest you sign up for your own diary and write in it and not clutter my guestbook with your drivel.

Thanks.