05/18/02 - 4:38 p.m.

My flesh and razor never came to blows last night. Which is a good thing. Maybe I don�t need it, maybe all I need is somewhere I can bleed freely without worry. Maybe that place is here.

Chess is so good about understanding that I need somewhere that is just for me. How did I get such a wonderful person in my life? Now I feel like I don�t have to be so secretive. It�s not really him I want to hide from anyway.

I just miss having the anonymity of the beginning of Iniquity. Before everyone waltzed all over it with their opinions and their grubby hands trying to pry apart my life. Before I had to pay the consequences for what I wrote.

Like Mark just sashaying in and leaving those shit notes in my guestbook. Mother fucker. Last thing I wanted was for him to peep into this corner and leave his damn footprints all over my thoughts. Contradicting me here, contradicting me there. Cutting into my story with his own untrue, but hard to hear analysis. Why does he insist on holding me down into the same old mold? Why does he keep expecting me to be the person I was? Does he not realize that people change? That I am different, that I am so much more than he could ever understand.

Obviously, it doesn�t matter what he thinks. Still some part of me is bothered by his totally incorrect assumptions. I know he is wrong, but still some part of me insists that I need to prove to him that he is wrong. Silly isn�t it?

Thank God for Bill. I love him more than anything. I am still scared about us. But I will write about that later. For now, for today I am just through. I just needed to bleed a bit.