05/17/02 - 1:02 p.m.

I really only have one resolution. To cut. I don�t think I can shake it otherwise. So here I am hiding from everyone because I want to, because I need to, because I am tired of being so exposed. I am tired of the censorship to spare everyone else, maybe even to spare myself.

Now it�s just for me. Who knows for how long? I need a place where I can just write, write like I used to before I was read. Before it mattered what and whom I wrote about.

I am having a hard time fighting myself. I nearly burst into tears while sitting in class and for what reason? Not a good one. I feel myself regressing! Becoming that little girl that I was so proud to be rid of. I need help, but I don�t feel that there is anyone I can go to. Not really. There is no sense of being understood with asking others for help. There is only the premise of wanting to help while secretly thinking: what am I dealing with here, what is wrong with this girl?

I really could not tell you if I tired.

Sure there has been Chess lately. I feel like he is betraying me over and over again. In small unimportant ways of course. And my anger over it, my hurt, makes me feel like a moron. Like a pouting child. No matter how I try to reason with myself, talk myself out of feeling that way, I cannot shake it. I think it must have more to do with my recent mental instability than anything else. I am feeling chaotic again and it will not fade.

Perhaps the main contributor to my depression is my disappointment with myself. One, for letting such silly things about Chess get to me, and two, for losing my drive yet again. For being completely unmotivated. For losing my edge as a decent writer. I can�t even go into the fabulous details of what happened there. I will definitely cry if I do.

But tonight, I cut in hopes that it will free my mind. I have to get out of this. I feel chained, oppressed, smothered. And the assailant is myself. I do not know of any other way to stop the abuse without peaking it first.

The dance between my skin and razor will continue again tonight. After that, perhaps I will stay on the wagon for a while.