01/03/01 - 05:30 AM

I'm tired, exhausting, sick again. And bored. Twenty more free days until school resumes.

I split my diary up into sections. One for Tree(AKA Andrew), One for Stan(AKA Jackass), One for Chess(AKA Ghost). I'm not sure why I divided it up the way I did. Maybe to get a general perspective of what I have been writing about. Entries that didn't address any of them went into the main section.

All entries about Tree are pathetic. I can say that now in hindsight and not feel too bad about it. Most people progress as time goes by, I just appear to be progresses until regressive episodes slap me in the face. All entries about Tree were products of my relapse, products of being depressed, hopeless and of course, pathetic.

Entries on Stan are usually angry. Sometimes confused.

And Chess, well they change as time goes by.

I have mood swings. Things that I have been able to control better as I get older, but they still come and go. Moments when it is difficult for me to function. I sit and remember. Relive moments. Especially moments that I am particularly ashamed of. Moments of stupidity, weakness, selfishness. Why is that some things just fly through me and I don't even flinch, and others continue to roll over in my head? I guess my biggest problem is that I don't grant myself the same forgiving attitude that I give everyone else.

It's very hard for me to accept everything good in my life. All of these wonderful things that have accumulated around me, and all I can do is look for the bad. The cracks in the foundation that are going to make my world crash down on me again. I'm so worried that I am going to be crushed by failure that I don't even realize that I'm suffocating myself in skepticism.

It's very easy for my life to live up to my expectations.