06/17/00 - 06:30 PM

I suppose I have a tendency to create drama in my life.

I am unhappy if my life has become monotonous or routine. I thrive under stress. I suppose that�s because I am about 75% emotional and 25% logical.

I have lost nearly all interest in the opposite sex as anything more than a something nice to look at. With the one exception of my ex-boyfriend. Somehow I have shaved off my urgent need to be part of a relationship. When I think about dating now I feel indifferent. Not even the prospect of sex captivates my attention.

I am not sure what is happening to me. If this is a good or a bad thing. Time alone to rebuild myself can�t be a bad thing. But I am afraid of becoming too comfortable in my loneliness and ending up alone for a long time. But I suppose that is not such a bad thing after all.

Relationships drain my essence. Males have this knack for only wanting what I have to offer for the first month or so, then the novelty wears off. I am faced with the bored side of their personality, instead of the wooing, fabricated side that they present to me in the beginning. Such a change in my boyfriends as time goes on. I struggle to stay afloat and not cave under their lack of interest. I would rather avoid the whole demented process and save my sanity instead.

The more I read over my novel, the more disgusted I become with it. I find that there is nothing I�ve written that is worth salvaging. I suppose I will have to scrape the entire thing and start anew. My perfectionist attitude towards my writing doesn�t help when I have given myself a deadline. But maybe if I begin again, I will renew my motivation for finishing it.

I do miss having someone to hold me.

Correction.

I miss having him hold me.