06/19/00 - 08:07 AM

Tired.

But I feel the need to bang out an entry before I rest.

I must, I must, I must.

I must bite the bullet and move forward. Initiate the impending conversation that we are bound to have. The one were you tell me about all the rumors that you have believed; the one were I try to defend myself and justify my actions. We both know that it is on the horizon, an unavoidable collision with each other. But we both procrastinate and delay.

In my fantasies I see us there, in that conversation. We are fighting and explaining. Making excuses. We are bitter and angry, but the ghosts of the young, innocent couple that we made, stand behind us both. Shaking their heads at us. We fight till dawn. Finally, completely drained, we begin to understand each other. And it begins again.

You say that my actions cheapens what we had. If what we had was so great, why did you throw it away? What was so intolerable about me that we couldn�t have worked through it? Why did you leave????????????

I still don�t understand.

My mind spends too much time wrapped up in your lingering image. I analyze and analyze. I replay scenes in my head, recall memories, words you had said or written to me. I don�t cry. But I hurt all the same.

I must find more to write about than my idiotic romantic longing. But lately I am blank. Receding into the comfort of the walls I�ve built around me. Always trying to protect myself, avoid another break down. The higher my walls are, the harder it is for someone to look inside of me and find my weaknesses.

I am exhausted. Goodnight Diaryland.