06/20/00 - 08:05 AM

Jackass and I were only ever good at two things: fucking and fighting. Between the unrelenting waves of cruelty that we lashed out on each other, we had incredible sex. We made a connection with our bodies instead of with what mattered, our hearts, our souls; we shared orgasms instead of opinions.

But it was amazing sex nevertheless.

One of my greatest weaknesses is sex. Although lately, it has held no power of me. In the past, many of my decisions and routines were centered around my endless efforts to score. Once I discovered that I could separate sex and love, I gave my body up more willingly. My heart, on the other hand, is nearly impossible to attain. Mainly because I never got it back from him.

I suppose I should invent some sort of name for him so that it�s easier to distinguish him from Jackass. I think I will simply use the name Andrew. So there are my two mists: Andrew and Jackass. And that is just the beginning of my troubles that seem to extend to anything that possesses a penis.

But at the top of the list is my Andrew. His old speeches echoing over and over again in my empty body. I wait and wait, try to work up the nerve to approach him. I rehearse speeches in my head, trying to find the best mix. I want to be inquisitive, but not intruding. I want him to see that I still love him, but only if he can return it. It is a risk I must take though. Heartbreak is only temporary.

Right?

I have written so many epics in my mind. The perfect reunion, my happiness spilling out of me in radiant, incandescent waves. Or, the horrible rejection, my pain trickling down my skin in large red drops from gaping wounds. I am afraid that such a confrontation can cause another episode with my flesh, the affair with its hideous consequences. I covet my old strength so much; this silly, yet impending, interaction between Andrew and me could dash all hopes of rejuvenation.

Part of me, the ashamed procrastinating part, keeps hoping he will approach me and confess beautiful lines of love. Sigh, I am too caught up in my own preposterous fantasies. I should get out more.

I will finish this inquiry that has already begun. It began with me, it finishes with him. But between the two of us�..thousands of obstacles.

But�.

I know that he lies awake in his bed at night thinking about me. Wondering. I know this. Don�t ask me how.

I just know.