04/18/02 - 11:43 p.m.

My brother is engaged.

That�s my little brother, two years younger than me and he is engaged!

Which has absolutely nothing to do with me but somehow I feel involved. As if I am behind schedule. Granted, there is no written law that older siblings must be married first. But you just expect to be walking down the aisle before your little brother even entertains such notions of tuxedos and rings.

It�s not that I am envious. I am very happy for him and I do have my own, promising relationship�

Wait, scratch that, I am slightly resentful. I do, hope and want, to get married someday. Although I do not think now would be the apropos time. So how can I accept my younger brother being prepared for such an colossal commitment when here I am, rather far from making such a choice.

I guess I am oversimplifying my own attachment with marriage. Chess and I do talk about it quite habitually. We have flirted with the idea of getting married for convenience sake. And I know that if I really pushed and poked I could coerce him to bite the diamond bullet. But frankly, I just don�t see the need to pursue it at this juncture. Why mess with a good thing? We are perfectly pleased in our own little unmarried world. And I really do doubt that an overrated ceremony with a bunch of people that are pretending to be nice, followed by two weeks in some exotic location where we pretend we haven�t been fucking each other�s brains out for the past two years, would really make much of an alteration in our home life.

Wow, I sound incredibly embittered. Honestly, I am not. I do hold marriage in very high regard. I believe that when I do, finally, settle down, it will be broken only by death. And I will throw a lot of time and effort into expanding that one simple day of holy matrimony into the memory of a lifetime. Still, marriage is a scary thing, for many, many reasons.

First of all, I am natural born slut. Even now I have these days where I romanticize the times when I could sleep with whomever I wanted to. While I am very happy with the monogamy that Chess and I share, I often toy with the idea of bringing in a third person in to fuck. I have yet to satisfy a lot of my own animalistic cravings. When do I get to suck and fuck at the same time? These are good questions. These are things I want to do before I die. Kind of like how most people want to see the Eiffel Tower. I just want to suck on one as my boyfriend fucks me doggie style. Yes, finger cuffs and all that shit.

And I suppose I shouldn�t even really start talking about women and how they could play a very significant role in my desire to explore all types of sexual venues. I know Chess would welcome his own chance to be pleased by two women at once. I would love to give him that opportunity.

While all this stuff is fine and dandy to bring into a relationship, I just don�t think bringing it into a marriage is a good idea. Maybe there is no big difference; I don�t know. But if it fucks up your relationship, you can take a break or, if need be, end it without the complications and proceedings of divorce. It so much simpler to dissolve than nuptials.

Sometimes I just feel very, very young, and that scares me.

Then there is the problem of children. I love children. In fact I have recently began considering a total rearrangement of my life so that I can have children before I am 30. I want children. There is really nothing I want more than to someday have a child. To be a good mother.

Of course, Chess is not exactly in agreeance with me on that one. He has absolutely no desire whatsoever to have a baby anytime, anyplace, anywhere, with anyone. Ever.

Not acceptable. I would drive down the sperm bank right now and tell them to serve me up a platter if there weren�t a million reasons for me not to complicate my life with a baby right now. This is probably the only thing that I am just completely logical and methodical about. Maybe too logical. But unlike most of the fuckups in the world, I want my child to be in my world only when I am ready for him or her. And, obviously, I am not ready at this precise moment.

I am losing steam as I write. I was pounding this keyboard with force just thinking about the piles and piles of confrontations and conflictions that I have just been ignoring for so long. For example, can I even have children?

We won�t get into that one.

Perhaps it is just better to ignore.