05/15/01 - 12:36 p.m.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I persistently feel forlorn; there is a sinking inside of me that I just cannot elucidate. It will not go away, though I have momentary flashes where the feeling is masked by something else.

I don�t know where it came from. It just assaulted me without invitation. Suddenly I just want to abandon everything and flee. That seems to be my frequent resolution. Just leave it all behind.

Of course I won�t. But that doesn�t mean that I don�t ponder it, imagine it at certain moments when I am alone or lonely.

I just feel wedged into something that makes me feel out of place. Incompatible with life. I can�t make way for any kind of solace. All I want is to stay at home, but when I am at home all I want to do is go out.

So what can I possibly do? Nothing and hope it passes. I know there is one way of ending this misery�s life but I would hate to resort to that after being so good for so long. So I fight instead. Fight myself. All the time. Fight my head, my thoughts, myself.

And so far I just keep on losing.